How to Choose Your Words: Part 1

I know that there are many grammar blogs out there, but I really doubt that the people who need these lessons are frequenting those sites. Instead, I shall offer a series of tips in the spirit of "How not to write like an idiot."

Fewer/Less
"Fewer" is used with countable amounts; "less" is used with continuous amounts.

What does this mean? Look at what you're comparing. If there what you're comparing is plural it's "fewer," otherwise, it's "less."

fewer cups of flour (comparing cups)

less flour (comparing amount of flour)

*note: You can state "flours," but that means *types* of flour. In that case, you'd use "fewer."

I/Me (or, pronouns when using "and")
"I" is used as a subject; "Me" is used as an object. You could diagram your sentence to decide which you should use, but that would mean that you'd have be able to pull rules out of your head. That, and remember how to diagram sentences.

The easiest way to select between "I" and "me" (or, for that matter, between "she" and "her," "he" and "him," etc.) is to leave out the "and x" (or "x and") part, and use the word you're naturally inclined to substitute there (your brain already follows most of the rules).

"Bob and I are going to the park." ("I am going to the park.")

"This is a picture of Bob and me at the fair." ("This is a picture of me at the fair."

Elusive/Illusive
"Elusive" means something that eludes, something that is hard to find. This is, I believe, the more common of the two.

"Illusive," on the other hand, refers to something that is based in illusion.

Simple trick? Check for deception or lack of reality. Both indicate the use of "illusive." If you're still unsure, or favor a bit of ambiguity, use "elusive."

"The toddler naively believed her mother's illusive promise of a pony, and for the moment, both were happy: the toddler with the idea of her own pony, and the mother with her now well-behaved toddler." (deceptive promise)

"The photographer stalked his elusive target for weeks before snapping the perfect picture." (target eludes sight)

"She loved illusive animals, none more than the unicorn." (unicorn is not real)

*note: A unicorn may be described as "elusive" to leave doubt as to its existence.

Then/Than
"Then" introduces something that happens later in time, or as a conclusion/consequence. "Than" is used for comparisons. I really can't think of a "trick" that makes it any simpler, though I guess the tip would be to use "than" for comparisons. How do you tell if there is a comparison? Look for a comparison word: one that ends in "er" or one modified with "more" or "less."

"I arrived later than she did." (comparing arrival times)

"She arrived at the start of the party, then looked over to see me arrive after her." (introduces the action that happens after her arrival)

"If she didn't arrive before the announcement, then neither did I" (consequence)

Breath/Breathe
This one is about spelling, not grammar. "Breath" is the noun. "Breathe" is the verb.

"We held our collective breath as the football was lofted toward the end zone; there hung our season, ripe for the picking."

"It was difficult to breathe in the high humidity."

Would've/Could've/Should've

The alternatives ("would of," "could of," and "should of") are always incorrect. That is not to say that "of" can never follow these words, but any grammatically correct sentence I can create places a comma before "of." "Of" is not a substitute for "have."

I've seen a grammar blog suggest that the above contractions should never be used because it only encourages the malformed alternatives, but then goes on to say that they will be used in speech anyway. To me, the suggestion isn't logical. If people will hear the contractions anyway, why not let them see the contractions spelled properly? After all, hearing the contractions without being familiar with the spelling is probably what spawned the malformations in the first place.

Affect/Effect
"Affect" is a verb, meaning to influence or change, or a noun meaning [physically expressed] emotion. "Effect," as a verb, means "to cause," while, as a noun, it means a product (of something).

My tip here will apply to the verbs. If the object is caused by the subject (would not otherwise exist, or would not be guaranteed to exist otherwise), then use "effect." If the object is changed by the subject (it already exists, or was already guaranteed to exist), then use "affect."

"The incessant nighttime fire alarms at the dorm did not affect her ability to concentrate for the exam, but it did make her want to crawl back into bed after she finished." (her ability was not hurt or changed)

"For her roommate, however, the fire alarms effected a blinding rage that resulted in a poor mark on the exam." (the fire alarms caused the blinding rage)

check your sources?

espn put out a "crash course" for caps-pens game 7--that is, it's a collection of "top 7" lists tangentially related to the game, among which was "SEVEN WACKY NAMES TO REMEMBER."

normally, i'd love a section like this. it's useful, so you don't sound like an idiot (i've heard "MIL-lan juhr-SEE-nah" at a game. i don't actually hold it against the speaker, because it was a fairly young kid, and he happened to know name vs. number for the entire team. pronouncing a couple of names wrong in that context isn't bad at all). without reports like these, i'd still be calling michal neuvirth "NEW worth" (à la bebe neuwirth, aka lilith frasier). for the record, i'm still not completely clear on the second syllable, but it seems to be agreed that the stress is on the first (which rhymes with "soy"), and the second starts with a v, not a w. see? good things to know...

BUT

shouldn't espn be checking these...? or something?

5. Shaone Morrisonn: OK, now you're just messing with us. For the record, Shaone rhymes with "plane." Think Jim from The Doors for the last name.

i confess: i originally had it wrong. i thought it sounded like "shown" (you know--past tense of "show"), but i've heard him introduce himself; it's "shawn." (aka "sean," "shon," etc.) he's also flat-out said it:

It’s tough to pronounce. I’ve heard every name in the book, but it is pronounced "shawn." It’s Gaelic. But I think people are starting to learn it now.

in fact, other than a few play-by-play announcers (namely: the pittsburg radio guys), i don't think i've ever heard any reference to him as "shane."

***

on a separate note, i still have a tough time with "josé théodore." i know he wants us to say "JOE-zay THEE-uh-dohr," but it looks french; i wanna say "TAY-uh-dohr." i avoid the issue by calling him "teddy," which i guess really should be "theo," but... it messes with my mind...

i guess i may have skipped out on the whole VAR-la-mov vs. var-LAM-ov problem similarly: by calling him "varly."

gnarly...

***

update: page 2 has changed "plane" to "fawn." while it's nice that they factually corrected the entry, i'm pretty sure that, having been mistaken in the first place, they should know better than to leave in the "now you're just messing with us" part. It's obviously not that obvious.

i know, i know... humor. kudos for the correction.

in which the gods laugh at me...

when i was young, we visited a temple on a trip to taiwan. in this temple, there was some god (or something--i'm not completely clear on this...) who would answer your questions. ask your question, drop two moon-shaped things onto the ground, and the configuration of the things would tell you the answer.

yes, i'm obviously quite clear on how this works... give me a break. it was a very long time ago. i was really young. so young, in fact, that i wasn't completely clear on what was going on while i was doing this.

my mom showed me how to ask the question, then told me to ask a question. confused, i asked what i should ask. my mom replied "what do you want to ask?" still confused, i asked "what do you want to ask?".

my answer? he (the god who answers the questions) was laughing.

finally understanding the situation, i got to try again. i don't remember what i asked.

embarrassed, i never told anybody about the first question...